Citizen Kang: 2004
by soapfiction
Summary: Everyone's two favorite aliens, Kang and Kodos, are back for global domination! This time, however, they come through another animated show.


I know the election's over, but I came up with this idea before it happened. I just felt I had to write it down and publish it.

I don't own Ranma or The Simpsons. Does anyone ever read the disclaimers anyway?

**  
Citizen Kang: 2004**

(The location and date rolls in, X-Files style)

OCTOBER, 2004. SOMEWHERE NEAR TOKYO, JAPAN.

"Baka oyaji! I'll show him to run off with the rest of the food and supplies!" Ranma yelled to no one in particular as he trekked through the mountainous woods of northern Japan. His father had run off during the middle of the night yet again, no doubt giving his son the training he most certainly needed.

Ranma made his way down a hill, eventually finding the opening in the woods, which led to a huge field. Since Ranma was carrying a huge pack with all his equipment, he was pretty tired. It was 2 a.m., and he had not gotten much sleep. There was no way to tell which way his father had gone. There were at least two towns in the area, and Ranma didn't know which one he'd gone to.

"Dammit! I'll never find him tonight!" He yawned, tired. "Guess I'll have to sleep it out here…"

As he started unpacking his tent, he thought he heard something from overhead. Something that sounded like a storm moving in. When he looked up, he saw nothing other than the stars. He shrugged it off.

That was when he heard it again. When he looked up, he saw what looked like a massive, purple flying saucer spinning overhead.

"What the-"

He had barely opened his mouth in surprise when a metal claw extended down, grasped him by the collar, and started to pull him up.

"Hey! Leggo!" It didn't.

The hook pulled him up about three hundred feet, until he was safely inside the spacecraft. The bay door closed, and the hook dropped him to the floor.

He got up, and looked around. It was dark, with all kinds of lit-up machinery on the walls.

"Hooooly…"

He kept looking, until he saw a sight that caused him to jump back in shock: two enormous green creatures, with two tentacles each, and wearing a massive space helmet each. Both were eyeing him uneasily.

"Oh, crap! Aliens! Hey, you don't wanna eat me! There's a much more plump man down there! He'd be-"

"Silence!" one of them said in a deep voice. "We are space travelers from a nearby ringed planet whose name we'd prefer not to mention. I am Kang, and this is my sister, Kodos."

"Hello" the other said, in a higher, yet nonetheless, masculine, voice.

Ranma gulped. If they weren't man-eaters, then they were probably going to experiment on him. He'd seen that twilighty show about that zone…if it was anything like that or any of the other alien movies he had seen, it wouldn't be pleasant.

"Well…I suppose you're going to probe me." He started to bend over, and pull down his pants. "(Sigh) Might as well get it over with…"

Kang held his tentacles at faced level, obviously disgusted. "Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us!"

Kodos spoke up. "This is a mission of conquest! Take us to your leader!"

Ranma pulled his pants back up, and faced them, confused. "Huh? Well, if you mean the leader of earth, I don't know what to tell you. We don't really have an overlord."

"Drat. Kodos, looks like it's still a sovereign planet."

Kodos turned to Ranma. "We tried this same thing eight years ago, and it almost worked, but then all the humans gathered huge wooden boards with thick metal nails in them, and attacked us. We had to flee, and let the last conquest die down."

"But now, the world is once again ripe for the taking! And we have a special defense against boards and nails!"

They both held up rusty pitchforks. Ranma just stared. "Ooookay…"

"Well, just give us the leader of the most powerful and economically flourishing nation on your planet!"

Ranma thought for a moment. "Uh, most powerful? Well, I guess that would be America. Their leader, I think he's President Bush, or something. I'm pretty sure he hangs around a city called Washington D.C."

Kang and Kodos looked at each other, apparently satisfied. "President BUSH. Excellent! Kodos, set a course for-"

Remembering something, Ranma spoke up again. "Wait! Hold on!"

"Yes?"

"Well, I remember hearing about this. There's kinda' this election coming up next week, and it might not be him anymore. Lessee, what was his name…Jack? No, no…John? Yeah! But 'John' who? Hmm…what was that name, I heard it on TV earlier…guy with a bug chin, horse-face…John…Candy? No, no, Kerry! That's his name, John Kerry!"

The two space mutants looked between each other, and pondered.

"Kodos, set coordinates for 'John Kerry'!"

"Right away!"

* * *

In Boston, Massachusetts, John Kerry walked out of the Democratic convention. It had been a good day, with his botox keeping face all day. And the people truly followed him! There was no way he was going to lose this election. 

"Good night, Howard. Sorry about Iowa."

"I don't care, John. Just win, and I'll forgive you."

"Will do."

Kerry closed the door, and walked out onto the street. That's when he heard the strange sound of a giant spacecraft rotating 300 hundred feet above him.

"What the-"

The crane grabbed him, and lifted him up.

"Shoot. And I was going to tell them of my change of plan tomorrow…"

* * *

Next stop was The White House. The crane dug into the building, and pulled out a king-size bed, with one person in it stirring. Bush looked around, his sight blurred. 

"Wh-, what's goin' on, Laura? Is Clinton back in the building?"

The ship pulled him in, and dropped him beside Kerry. Both men were stripped naked (urgh!), and pushed into some kind of tube.

"What the hell is this, some kind of tube?" Kerry said, from inside the tube. Suddenly, some sort of fluid started to fill the tube. "Hey, what-" The fluid stopped his movements, yet kept him alive.

Bush chuckled from inside his tube, and turned to Kang. "Well, thanks for takin' care of flip-flop there for me. You guys are all- HEY!" Bush yelled as the fluid filled up his tube as well.

Using strange equipment, the aliens linked themselves to the tubes, their heads pressed inside massive helmets.

"Commence Bio-Duplication!"

Both Kang and Kodos' bodies shifted in shape, and assumed the form of the candidates. Kang became Bush, and Kodos became Kerry.

Ranma, of course, observed all this from behind a huge piece of equipment.

"Oh man, aliens, bio-duplications, nude conspiracies…oh my God, that guy from the 'X' show about those Files was right!"

Kang and Kodos, now dressed as their respective political personas, turned to Ranma.

"What, are you still here?" Kodos said. "I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you…" He walked up to a machine, and pushed a button.

Out of somewhere emerged a cannon, which brought forth a smaller cannon, from which emerged an even smaller one, which produced a tube. The tube sprayed Ranma with some yellow-colored liquid.

"(Gargling) Hey, hey, what are you spraying me with?"

"Sake!" Kang said. "So no one will believe your story."

Kodos kicked the sake-soaked Ranma out of the ship. "And don't come back."

Ranma plummeted 300 feet to the earth below, landing a mere twenty feet from his tent. He got up slowly, in bad pain.

"Stupid…aliens…"

"Oh, there you are, boy. Come along, we've got to get back home."

Ranma looked up to see Genma, carrying a bag of peanuts. He muttered to himself as he tried to stand up.

"Baka oyaji…ow!"

* * *

The next morning, the Tendo family, accompanied by Genma in panda form, were eating breakfast with the TV on. Ranma walked in, holding his head. 

"Man, I feel awful. I can barely remember last night."

The TV was still the center of attention for those at the table. Ranma scoffed.

On the TV, an announcer spoke. "And authorities still don't know who robbed the Tokyo Ether Ward. More on that later. In foreign news, the United States will hold their presidential election next week, and reigning president George W. Bush had these strange, cryptic words to say this morning at a press conference, which aides attributed to an overly tight belt."

The camera shifted to the press conference, with Bush at the podium.

"I am BUSH. As overlord of this pathetic world, all will kneel trembling before me, and obey my brutish commands. (Crosses arms) End transmission."

The announcer came back. "Opponents of Bush claimed that he finally came clean about his plans for world domination, but supporters pointed out how much more civilized his speech had gotten."

When Ranma saw the TV, his memory was jogged. "Man! Now I remember! Guys! I was followin' Pop after he'd stolen all the food, when I was suddenly abducted by aliens!"

Nabiki scoffed, waving her hand in front of her face. "Whatever you say, sake-breath."

Ranma screamed when he saw Kerry on the TV. "Oh my god! It's him! That's him!"

The camera, showing previous footage from America, showed Kerry being interviewed by an American News reporter.

"Senator Kerry, why should Americans vote for you instead of President Bush?"

"It doesn't matter which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!"

"Well, a refreshingly frank response from Senator John Kerry."

Back in Japan, Ranma expressed his anger. "These candidates wanna make me throw up in terror! They have to be stopped!"

"Why are we even watching this?" Akane asked. "Does it even matter to us?"

"Not really, but people still like to pay attention to these things. It could mean good business for our country."

Ranma stepped in. "It's gonna mean bad business for everyone, because those are aliens in disguise!"

Soun looked up at Ranma. "Son, are you sure you're okay?

Genma held up a sign. (Yes, where did you get all the sake last night?)

"Grrr, shut up! I know what I saw! And I'm not gonna let any of you stop me! I've gotta stop those guys!"

He ran outside. Akane called to him. "How're you gonna get to America? Swim all the way there?"

Ranma stopped in his tracks. "That's right! How am I gonna get there?" He thought for a bit, finally settling on something. "I've got it!"

He ran up to Akane. "Hey, Akane! That meal you cooked last night? It was worse than all your other attempts all year!"

Akane stood up, angrily. "What did you say?"

"You heard me, tomboy."

"WHO'S A TOMBOY!" she yelled, whipping a mallet out of hammerspace, and sending him clear into the sky with a good whack.

* * *

When Ranma finally landed, he fell into a hard pavement street. He slowly got up, feeling for broken bones. 

"Ow…stupid macho chick. She didn't have to hit me THAT hard. Ungh. Huh? Where am I?"

He looked around. He was in a big city. Cars were driving on the right side of the road, and the street signs were in English. He was in Los Angeles.

"All right! My plan worked! I'm in America! Now to make my way to D.C.!"

He then remembered that Washington D.C. was on the other side of the country from L.A. "Crap. Well, no time to lose…" He started on his way.

* * *

Back in electionville, Kerry prepared for a speech. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen: Massachusetts Senator John Kerry!"

The crowd cheered its approval. Kodos stepped up to the podium.

"Taxes for all!"

The crowd responded with boos.

"Very well. No taxes or welfare for anyone!"

There were more boos.

"Hm…Taxes for some, welfare for others, and botox implants for the rest!"

The crowd cheered, and waved their flags. Kodos smiled to himself.

Later on, Kang and Kodos walked down a D.C. street, holding hands.

"Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected" Kodos said.

"Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries plagued by bad grammar, pitches to the upper-class society, with the occasional pointless mannerism or anecdote."

"We shall soon rule!"

"Suddenly, the Republican National Committee van pulls up, and Ken Mehlman poked his head out the door.

"Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit…confused by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands."

Both Kang and Kodos glanced at their hands, then looked up.

"We are merely exchanging long protein strings" Kodos piped up. "If you can think of a better way, I'd like to hear it."

* * *

In D.C., Bush and Kerry held a debate. Bush took the stand. 

"And I say we must travel the world, heading everywhere with our advanced knowledge of freedom and liberty! Head to Iraq, to Iran, to irate, with freedom and liberty! Spread the length of the globe, always twirling towards freedom and liberty! And, as you can see by their equal usage in my speech, freedom and liberty are equally important! Take THAT, John Stewart!"

The crowd cheered heartily. Kodos, as Kerry, stood up to take the stand, when , all of a sudden, the doors to the hall burst open.

Ranma came in, looking as though he'd run the length of the country in one day flat. "Stop! Those candidates are phonies!"

The crowd murmured, curious as to why some Asian (c'mon, what average American can tell the difference between ethnicities) was worried about the candidates.

"You heard me! They're alien replicons from beyond the moon!"

The crowd laughed at Ranma. Back in Japan, the Tendos were watching the debate. Akane shook her head as she saw Ranma on the TV. "Ranma no baka…"

Back in the hall, Ranma was trying to make his way to the candidates. "Outta' my way! I'm gonna get those bastards!"

The Secret service, however, was able to force him back to the door. Ranma picked up the nearby American flag as a defense. The group of agents overpowered him nonetheless, and forced him out the door.

"Hey, watch it, man!"

As they threw him out, one of the agents picked up the flag, and threw it at Ranma. "Don't forget your stinking flag." He slammed the door.

Ranma looked down at it. "This isn't mine…"

The door opened again, and another flag collided with his head. This time, it was Japanese. "You've officially lost your country all diplomatic status, just to let you know!"

* * *

In a local movie theater in some U.S. city, people watched as Michael Moore went on another muckraking mission against the American Right. It was strange, since he had just released a big film. This, however, was just some election coverage that was released theatrically. 

(Narration) _People all over seemed to have the same feelings about the president._

(Random People)

"Bush? The hell with him, he's a liar."

"The moron can't even speak right."

"He took us to war without good reason, when we didn't want to. The man deserves to be arrested. He's a war criminal."

_Although one guy had some weird things to say._

"How do you think Bush is doing as President?"

"Bush? That guy's crazy, and so's the other guy!"

"Yeah, I agree, I don't like Kerry that much, either. I'm personally gonna be sponsoring Nader this year-"

"No, man, you don't understand! Those guys aren't the candidates! They're aliens in the forms of the candidates!"

A long pause. "Come again?"

"I saw it happen! They kidnapped the real guys, and stole their bodies!"

"Okay, let's move on. C'mon, guys."

_It's kinda' sad, because I was really hoping for support from the foreign masses. Oh well. You can't win em' all._

* * *

On a TV screen, a man familiar with everyone popped up: none other than Bill O'Reilly. 

"Okay, so we've all been following the election news. In one of the craziest publicity stunts in recent years, some Japanese teenager has roamed the country, claiming the candidates to be extra-terrestrials. Now, I can understand his accusation of Kerry, the man reminds me of those guys from _The Day the Earth Stood Still_. But our beloved president Bush, a man who has thrived to bring this country to greatness, had this to say about the accusation:"

Bush (Kang) appeared on screen. "Whatever do the Japanese have against us? Did we not experiment the first piece of nuclear power on them, thereby ushering a new age in production in power, among other things? If they can be so ungrateful as to ignore all the economic help we've given them, I don't know what to think."

(Back to O'Reilly)

"Strong words from a strong man. My crew actually caught up with this kid, not long after Michael Moore ran into him. Moore actually called me, which has never happened before, and told me about this kid. So we went to find him."

(Footage from earlier, with O'Reilly)

"Welcome back to the factor. We have, on the line with us, one foreigner who had some crazy things to say about the candidates. Let's hear what he said."

A split screen appeared on the TV. It showed Ranma, sitting outside somewhere.

"So, you're the guy who's been calling the candidates _aliens_? What are you trying to pull?"

"Hey, I remember what I saw, they-"

"Shut up, shut up! I don't want to hear any more excuses, what I want to hear is what you have against this country that would cause you to come all the way here, spending good money doing so, just to make up stories about our candidates?"

"I didn't pay to get here, I-"

"Oh, so you stowed away! Heck, you're not even legally here, are you?"

"That's none of your business, pal!"

"Oh, none of my business? I beg to differ, my friend, I just might call the immigration office about this."

"You're really getting on my nerves, man!"

"Oh, please. What're you gonna do? You're all the way in Maryland, and I'm here in L.A. Don't make me laugh!"

"That's it, man! You're dead!"

"Bring it on, ninja boy! You couldn't take me even if you could find me! Go ahead, I'll be-"

Ranma had run from the screen. Afterwards, the TV went back to the present, with O'Reilly finishing the recap.

"So, there you have it. Some crazy foreigner, who thinks he knows everything. Let me point out that he was so nuts, both Moore and I actually agree about him. That says a lot, just so you all see-" All of a sudden, running footsteps could be heard, closing in on O'Reilly.

"Yaauughhh!"

Ranma flew across the screen, colliding with O'Reilly, sending both of them off-screen. As the sounds of the off-screen battle were heard, the crew and security all ran towards the spot of the fight, trying to restrain the young martial artist as he attacked the TV anchor.

* * *

Dejected, Ranma walked along a lake somewhere in Virginia. He had spent a lot of time running all the way back to L.A. to get to the arrogant TV anchor, then a lot of time running from the authorities. He eventually found himself in Virginia, near D.C. 

"Dammit! Why won't anyone believe my crazy story? I came here to save their country, and what thanks do I get? I get made to look like an idiot all over TV! I hate this country!"

Out of sheer anger, Ranma kicked a nearby bush- only to hit metal.

"Ow! What the-"

He removed the bush to reveal the alien spacecraft- which was clearly visible, anyway.

"Huh. Can't believe I missed that."

Brushing the thoughts aside, he ran inside to find the two real candidates, still inside their tubes. Ranma inspected one of the machines, and pressed a button, which emptied the tubes of the liquid that held the candidates prisoner. They both woke up, drowsy. Kerry was the first to speak.

"Oh, man, am I still here? I don't want to finish out the race like this…"

Bush spoke up next. "I am _so_ mad a the Secret Service right now…"

"Hey, are you guys all right?" Ranma asked, running up to the tubes.

"Who're you?" Bush asked back.

"I'm Ranma Saotome, sir. And I'm gonna get you back to Washington so we can stop those imposters."

Somehow, some way, Ranma was able to operate the ship, and took it into space, heading towards Washington. Bush and Kerry, meanwhile, took some time to discuss the problems they now faced.

"You know, Mr. President, being in suspended animation gave me time to think. Partisan Politics are tearing our country apart."

"You got a point there, John. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space bucks, we're gonna have to set aside our differences."

"Together we can lead America, no, the World, into a new Golden Age!"

"Friend, you've got a deal! Hey, Ranma! Get us outta' here! It's time to nail those stupid aliens."

Ranma nodded, and looked over the control panel. He found one button, thought for a second, and pushed it. It sent Bush and Kerry out of the tubes, through an airlock, and off into space.

"Oh, CRAP! What have I done? What am I doing? What will I DO?"

He slammed his fist on the controls in frustration, and sent the ship rocketing towards Washington.

* * *

Outside Capital Hill, on the steps of Congress, the candidates were giving their final electoral speeches. Kodos was finishing up. 

"The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again. Tomorrow, when you have sealed yourself in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ko…John Kerry!"

The crowd applauded its approval. Blended within the crowd were the Tendos, for who knows what reasons.

"Can someone PLEASE tell me why we're here?" Akane asked. "I'm sure Ranma will be fine!"

"Hey, where is he, anyway?" Nabiki asked.

"I don't know. But, after what he did on TV, we have to find him. The last thing we need is to get the family name scarred even more" Soun explained.

The teens just brushed the thoughts aside as Kang finished up his speech.

"I am looking forward to a calm and orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent blood bath." The crowd cheered again at that.

All of a sudden, the crowd looked to the sky. The scream of Ranma and the ship were heard across Washington as the ship crashed into Congress. A few footsteps later, Ranma was on the steps of Capital Hill.

"America! Take a look at your candidates! They're nothing but hideous space reptiles!" he grabbed their heads, and managed to unmask them. The audience gasped in horror as the eyes of the space mutants became visible. The aliens ditched their disguises, reverting to their true forms.

"It's true, we _are_ aliens!" Kodos said. "But what are you going to do? It's a two-party system! You'll have to vote for one of us!"

The crowd murmured for a while before one man piped up. "He's right, it _is_ a two-party system."

Akane stepped up to the man. "You can't be serious, can you? Aren't there others you can vote for?"

Another man stepped up. "She's right! I believe I'll vote for a third party candidate!"

"Go ahead," Kang said, "throw your vote away."

Both Kang and Kodos began to laugh maniacally. The crowd murmured, and shrugged. Ranma and the others could not believe their eyes.

"B- but, they're aliens! How could you vote for them?"

"Well, c'mon, man, he's got a point. Have you seen what Nader's been trying to do?" The rest of the crowd nodded in agreement.

Ralph Nader, who happened to be standing next to Kasumi, threw down his hat, and slowly walked away, with his head hung low.

* * *

"ALL HAIL, PRESIDENT KANG!" 

The Capital of the U.S. had now become the center of a slave working ground. Kang's first order of business had been to take over Japan, which he heartily executed. Now, Ranma, the Tendos, and all other inhabitants of Nerima were working as slaves for the space mutants.

Akane struggled to carry her cinder blocks as the restraint around her neck brought her down with weight. When she stopped, the alien whipped her on the behind.

"Ow!" She rubbed her rear, and looked angrily at the aliens, then at Ranma.

"This is all your fault, Ranma! You pissed them off so much that they decided to come here!"

"Hey, it's not my fault! I tried to stop them! The Americans were stupid enough to- YEOUCH!" Ranma yelped after being poked with a pitchfork.

"Get back to work, human!"

* * *

There it is. Kang won the first time, and I doubt he would've lost again. Read and Review, please! 


End file.
